The Evolve Survival Toolkit for Your Average People Pleaser

We’ve all been there; it’s the day of, or the day before an event that we agreed to (willingly or out of a sense of guilt, obligation, or other unhelpful feelings), and our ruminating thoughts are taking over our ability to function: “How am I supposed to do this,” “I don’t want to go,” “What if ‘they’ are there,” “How am I going to make it through this,” are just some of the thoughts that we feel we have absolutely no certainty or control over.

There HAS to be a better way of feeling a sense of certainty and control than this; there has to be SOMETHING we can do that will help us feel like we aren’t walking into a landmine without any safety precautions. That is where the Evolve Survival Toolkit comes in.

After thousands of coaching and therapy sessions, many of which with people who feel as though the world around them is in control of them, that they can’t say no or set boundaries, and feel as though they are consistently walked on, The Evolve Survival Toolkit was created as a way to help you feel empowered and capable of handling any situation you’re thrown into.

Many of us struggle when going into events because we don’t prepare ourselves in ways that are going to allow us to feel in control of ourselves, emotionally and physically stable and regulated, and mentally capable of processing the information and experiences that are happening and coming into our perception. It becomes a major information and emotion overload that sends us into a spiral, and that spiral can last hours, and at worst, days or weeks.

These types of spirals can cause emotional dysregulation that follows us throughout our day, even when no trigger or challenging situation is occurring, and can result in several different mental health disorder diagnoses such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Major Depressive Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder, to name a few.

A challenge we all face is that life is uncertain, it’s unpredictable and we don’t know what it may throw at us, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t in control. We have the ability to feel certain within ourselves that we can handle anything because of who we are, and the skills we’ve acquired. The Evolve Survival Toolkit is a step in that direction; it will allow you to plan for the situations you DO know are coming up, and if you use it enough and practice with it, you can use it in the moment when challenges are occurring, or immediately after as a way to help you get regulated and deescalated.

Creating this toolkit is easy, and will only take a few minutes. Grab your notebook, or favorite device, and let’s begin.

Step 1: Setting the Scene

When entering into a situation we want to be as prepared as possible, and the best way to do this is to think, in advance, about these factors

1. When is this situation going to occur (time)
2. Where are you going to be? (Place and Setting)
3. How long will you be there?
4. Who will be there?

Step 2: “Triggers” or Predicted/Anticipated Incidents

Once you have a general idea about these situation aspects, we want to get a good understanding of our triggers. What do you know, based on your past experiences with the people who are going to be at this event, the setting you will be in, and your fears, could potentially happen or cause you emotional or psychological harm or difficulty?

1. What can you anticipate in advance might happen?
2. What can you anticipate might be said, and by who?
3. How have you responded to these in the past? Have they been effective? What was the result?

Another important component is identifying the emotions that you anticipate might come up. A tool that is used regularly at Evolve Ventures is the Emotion Wheel. This simple tool allows you to point to and identify what emotion you may be feeling at the moment, and how to uncover if what you’re feeling might be something even deeper. When we can understand how we feel, and are likely to feel, then these emotions cannot hijack us. We are more in control and can move on to the next step.

Step 3: Coping Strategies & Intentional Responses

Preparation does not happen when you’re at the event, that would be like trying to run your very first marathon on the day of the Boston Marathon. If you want to try it, all power to you, but you’re likely to experience significant pain and regret the decision. What you want to do, instead, is have a plan of action that you create and practice ahead of time, so when you’re in the moment and emotions are at their peak, you already have a system in place that you can be certain of.

1. Preparing for Success
   1. What can you do before you go to this event to put yourself in the best mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual place possible? (ex: listen to a podcast or a specific video, meditate, and decide in advance how long you will be there and when you will leave.)
2. Internal Coping Strategies and Intentional Responses (Based on the answers you gave to the last question)
   1. What responses can you prepare in advance to certain questions, comments, or situations that you can feel proud of, rather than the reaction you usually have?
   2. What can you do at the moment to self-soothe, feel safe, and engage in a way that makes you feel good about yourself?
   3. What are some non-negotiables that, if mentioned or occurred, are an immediate cue to leave?
3. External Coping Strategies
   1. Who can you set up a plan with in advance that you can call or text to help you (or them) cope, and feel safe and centered while in the situation?
   2. What are some things you can prepare in advance to do if you need extra help coping or calming down? (ex: meditation video, affirmations, playing a game on your phone, taking a walk)

Step 4: Post-Event Debrief

Once you’re out of the situation and the event is over, you want to reflect on how you did. The purpose of doing this is to help you get a good understanding of the triggers that occurred, your experience in handling them, assessing what worked and what didn’t, which will give you the ability to make changes to your toolkit, and practice in a better way for next time. The only way we can make real change is through analysis, and if you can give yourself the permission to, kindly and compassionately, go over what happened and how you did, you will be able to build the skills to be more effective with each rep.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. In what areas did I show up in my values?
2. What “fires” can we put out in advance?
3. How can I get others on a team with my plan in an aligned way?
4. What did I do that was good, and that I can be proud of?
5. What did I do that wasn’t the best, that I can improve for next time?

If we want to be free of the emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and experiences of our past, we need to do the work today to break the cycle. The Evolve Survival Toolkit is a step in the right direction. When you are no longer controlled by the circumstances around you, you will feel more in control of yourself, and your life, and that kind of personal freedom will follow you into every area of your life.

We know it’s far from easy; and when you find yourself struggling with any part of this, please reach out to us. We’re here for you and have helped plenty of others just like you through this process.

We’re here for you at Evolve. Book a free 30-minute call by emailing emilia@evolveventurestech.com or bianca@evolveventurestech.com!